UCL Lost Boys

And not in a good way either.

Last night after getting off the train, I trudged down to the bus stop to await the shuttle bus back home (it’s free!). Sitting on a bench at the taxi rank opposite was a dude. Looked a bit pissed, but fine, that’s more normal than you can imagine here.

A minute or so before the bus arrives, dude gets animated, and I notice that there is someone sprawled at his feet, a woman who appears severely inibriated, and when ever she moves he handles her very roughly and shouts at her. At one point it looked like he hit her a couple of times. Everyone around me is ignoring it.

Here is the problem.

This would normally illicit a fairly angry response from me, but the terms of the game are different here, ESPECIALLY for foreigners. For reasons that a select few know, I have even less reason right now to want to potentially get in to some Foreigner beating up drunk Japanese man trouble, but I can not just let that carry on.

Outside a great deal of Japanese train stations are also located Police Stations of varying size. Mizonokuchi also has one, so I walked over (it’s right next to my bus stop) and went in. Rozzer comes out of the back office, and the most appalling conversation I think I’ve had in a while begins:

Me: I think there is something happening at the taxi stand.

Rozzer 1: “Something”?

Me: Yeah, some drunk guy and this woman.

Rozzer 1: Ooooooh, them, we know about them.

Me: Okay, but…{cut of mid-sentence}

Rozzer 1: No really, they are fine [pidgin english:on] Drunk! Wife!

Me : Yeah, but….{cut of mid-sentence again}

Rozzer 2 from the back office : They’re fine, really! Thank you!

Rozzer 1 : Thank you for your time.

Before I knew what had happened, Rozzer 1 had walked me outside and closed the door! They actually didn’t want to know, or worse, they knew and just didn’t care about what I was trying to tell them. To say that Kanagawa’s finest have totally disgusted me is an understatement.

I heard from a friend a few years back that the Kanagawa police were generally regarded as shit, but I put that down to some regional japanese thing (of which there are MANY) – he told me that a woman went to her local police station to complain that she though she was being stalked, and was told to go home and stop over reacting. A few days later they found her body) but to experience it for myself was just shocking. I couldn’t believe that they actually didn’t want to know. They might think that they knew what was going on, but how could they know, sat in their cushy little office, that it hadn’t escalated? I already didn’t have the greatest of opinions of the general police here, and this has further cemented it.

If that is really the attitude of the police how can I believe that when I might have to rely on them that I can hope to have something vageuly looking like help. More than anything, it’s frightening. If anything were to happen to Emi or I that required the police I hope we aren’t in Kanagawa at the time.

Last night I had pretty much the worst practise since I got here, I reckon.

First, I had a really shoddy corn dog before keiko, that began repeating on me* just before kakarigeiko.

*I don’t want to think of the logistics of shitting one’s self in a hakama, but I bet it’s fast and messy.

Second, I couldn’t settle down. This meant that in the practise shiai we did I got crowned easily by someone who by rights should have had my corn dog. Not happy with myself at all there. Basically, because I couldn’t settle down, I just lacked decent seme and any form of tame, or anything vaguely relating to patience, and lost kaeshi dou in about 10 seconds. Another minute or so goes by and I get close with a few men-uchi, but because I’m not stretching towards my target or using my legs (this is always the side effect when I’m not calm) I don’t quite reach, and my cuts have no sae. And then I lost degote and that was it. Not good.

Afterwards, Tak gave me some very good advice about not showing myself (calm down love!) that I really need to do my best to take on board and understand. It’s something that essentially I’ve always had a problem with, Yanai sensei before i moved would octen comment on it, and here it is again. I simply need to keep outwardly calm, remain patient, and not needlessly attack. I know these days that speed and reach are good, but I need the chance to be there and real before I use the other two.

Lesson learned.

Had more driving lessons yesterday, and the instructor (who I shall now refer to as “A little more to the right, please” sensei) had to grab the wheel 3 times to stop me ploughing in to stationary objects!

I’m a menace!

Saturday morning saw my once monthlty pilgrimage to Toukai University for a beating again. Up at 6am, out of the door by 6.15am, all for a practise that started at 9. 3 bloody hours. It’s miles away. But’s it’s often well worth it, so I didn’t moan any more than usual.

3 started off well, with Yoshimura sensei (here on referred to as “The Big Man”, because he’s a big fella, and 8th dan) introducing me to his mate, who has a car, at the station. This is great, because it means the 40 minute bus ride becomes a 15 minute soujourn through the idilic country side (read, there is nothing there…) of Kanagawa. All good.

So, keiko started at 9am. I’m usually there to practise with the Big Man, because he’s in touch with the national coach back home, so it’s one way of keeping in touch, plus it gives the coach some unbiased feedback (come on, you know for a fact that I would be caning all comers if the feedback came from me!) on my performance. This also means that generally, I’ll stay out of the way for most of the practise, watch the uni kids hurt themselves, and then join in for the kakarigeiko and jigeiko in the last hour.

Today, a couple of the more junior sensei (junior my arse…..) fancy a bit, so one guy, Amano, comes over:

“Fancy a bit of kihon?” says he,

“Ya pla” says I,

“OK, you can join me and Otsuka” says he,

*PARP* says I.

Ostuka sensei is a 7th dan WOMAN, and also 3 times All Japan Ladies champ. Thats right, 3 times Japan Number 1. Amano is 6th dan, and has won the All Japan teachers competition. 3 times. IN A FUCKING ROW. This means they are both a bit good. To say that this kihon was an eye opener is the biggest under statement I could manage.

The biggest thing I got from them was why relaxation is so important. Everything they did just looked effortless, and in the same cut was sharp enough to slice open space and time. It really was amazing to watch.

I also had a minor realisation about my foot work too, and one of my worst and oldest habits, my high left heel and bendy left knee. Until now, I’d barely even noticed, but the moment I step in and plant my left, the knee bends all by itself and forces my centre of gravity back and down, making the “launch” that much harder. I’ve kind of just lived with it and worked around it up until now, but knowing now what I’m actually doing wrong, and not simply that it just IS wrong, I can fix it. This is a big thing for me because this high left heel has been the bane of my kendo really making marked leaps forward for the past 2 years (since before I moved to Japan).

After that, in the general battle field of jigeiko (the atmosphere in that place during free practise is awesome!) I had a go with the Big Man too, and managed to get an ippon good enough for him to stop and tell me he thought it was good! First one! Get in there!

(afterwards he did say that I only got it because I had long arms though!!!)

So, afterwards, it was time for a beer. Oringally it was supposed to be Weiner Dogs and Lager in the german sausage bar (I kid you not, in the middle of kanagawa, a sausage bar….) but it was closed for O-bon. So we went somewhere “normal” (normal involving deep fried fish heads) and ate and boozed A LOT over the course of two hours. I was properly twatted and carrying my stuff around was proving a pain in the arse.

Cue the Big Man announcing that it was time for sushi.

WHAT

THE

FUCK?!

Time for sushi? I could manage a cheeky cucumber roll to fill up the edges maybe…..The Big Man had other ideas. 12 half bottles of shochu later, and TWENTY FIVE plates of fish and rice later, and I was done. Stick a fork in me. I actually had to push myself up of the chair to stand up, and on the train fell asleep for the whole 40 minute journey and really conspicuously dribbled all over myself too. Smoothe, Gibbo, smoothe.

To round off what was a quality day, I went home via the bougu shop to pick up 2 sets of kote I’d been having repaired, strolled in, gave the guys there a Konnichiwa, and saw Miyazaki Masahiro standing there trying out shinai and talking about bags. In my drunken state (I must have looked every bit the British Taisho…..) I think I did well to simply not stare at him! All good!

Then I went home and fell asleep on the coach and dribbled on myself for the second time that day.

I also still haven’t had a proper poo yet (you were waiting for that weren’t you!). Seriously, I’ve gotten rid of the equivalent of a fun size bag of M&M’s. I feel fat! Normally after a healthy booze up and 2 fucking lunches, I should have delivered a pan-breaker of such magnifisence that my wife comes home to find me unconcious on the floor of the bog in a mess of turd, blood, puncture wounds and smashed porcelain. 2 days later and counting….

Matt sent me this genius link this morning:

http://www.unsworn.org/telemegaphone/

This is awesome. Call the number to tell Norway what you really think about them. My own plan is to give them some culture and a little literature all in one go, so I will read them the rolling script from Star Wars Episode 4. Matt said he sang them a couple of verses by The Smiths.

He also sent this email to a local tourism company:

> Hi,
>
> I was hoping you could help me with some information about the village
> of Dale, located on the Dalsfjord, which I believe is one of your
> featured destinations. Recently some friends and I have been using the
> Telemegaphone (http://www.unsworn.org/telemegaphone/) to transmit
> messages to the village but we have no way of knowing if they are
> getting through. Have you heard from anyone living in Dale whether
> they can hear the sound from the Telemegaphone? I guess it’s too much
> to hope for recordings, but any information you could give would be
> extremely gratefully received.
>
> Many many thanks,
> Matt

I laughed so hard at that email, it’s so innocent! I want a webcam and mic so that I can tell if my words are being relayed to those Norwegian clowns.

Over the weekend I went to visit the inlaws (outlaws?) in Hitachi, Ibaraki, a couple of hours north of Tokyo. It’s usually fairly pleasant, lots of good free food (this time was all the sashimi I could eat, and a huuuuge bowl of ramen!) and I also get to play with my nephews and neice. One nephew is a nightmare because he basically does what he wants (and gets a clip round the ear usually too!), another is barely 6 months old, so dribbles and poops at will, and then my neice is 3 years old, and is just a nice little girl. All good.

So, we did some very typical Japanese family at O-bon time stuff (O-Bon is the festival of the dead. Not a festival as such, but a time when you go to family graves and stuff) like letting of fireworks (naughty nephew got a clip for aiming his fireworks at the ground and trying to scorch his name into the road), going to see the old relatives (naughty nephew got a clip for ringing the bell on his great grandfathers memorial as many times and as fast as he could), went to the grave yard to pay respects at the family grave (naughty nephew got a clip for rolling stones down a steep 10m wheelchair ramp) and we went to the beach too (naughty nephew got a clip for kicking sand on to the towels and covers before we’d even finished unpacking them).

Coming from Britain, sandy beaches and clean seas are a novelty for me, so even though the sea was so cold that it push my bollocks far enough back in to my body for me to taste them, it was great! I also got my first sun tan in 16 years too! Well pleased, it made me look healthy, until the day after when it went an angry read colour and made me look stupid instead.

If ever I needed anymore proof that I don’t chew my food properly (really I didn’t, I know that I can almost “drink” everything, even steak) it came this morning when I pooped a whole mushroom.

Woooo! I passed my first stage drivers test yesterday, so I am now officially allowed to be a danger on the roads instead of a danger in the driving school.

Apparently, mounting the pavement is NOT considered good driving! Fancy that…

I’ve been here for precisely 1 year today! I arrived in Narita airport on 4th August 2007, in to a boiling hot country (and immeidiately changed my clothes) with no job, a number of local friends that could be counted on 1 (severely deformed) hand, and absolutely no fucking clue what I was doing here (besides my commitment to my wife of course!) or where my life was going.

Things that have happened or I have understood in a year:

• By not going to university I handicapped myself severely in Japanese job hutning
• But I still managed to get a good job!
• Kendo is (obviously) hugely different here
• But bizarelly, the people that practise it feel totally familiar!
• I have entered 5 (I think) shiai, and my best result is 3rd. This is the first year in, I think, 6 years, that I haven’t won anything in kendo.
• But my kendo is still 10 times better than it was when I got here!
• I’ve figured out MUCH about my own kendo and also kendo in general.
• I’ve found a totally awesome dojo. It’s great. I was really worried about going to a place and not fitting in and being stuck, but Koubukan is fucking brilliant, the Big O is one of the best teachers I could hope for, and I am generally happy.
• But not in the middle of winter or summer, when the weather makes practise something akin to winning The Running Man.
• The movie culture over here is fucked up. All the films are either “Specials” from TV serials, or about subjects that no consumer outside Japan gives a fuck about. Japanese cinema IS NOT as good as the outside world appears to think it is.
• As a result of this, you could also count the number of times I have been to the cinema on one deformed hand (or Ant’s foot?).
• I have found the best armour shop. Takeshima Budougu in Shukugahara. Go there. This place is top. The owners and staff are great, and they put up with MUCH shit from me.
• Shit from me includes 8 months of ordering different shinai until I found one that I like, specially ordering rolls of patterned clarino to hand make new men chigawa for me, and doing the above and many other things very quickly indeed because I’m an impatient wanker.
• This in capitals: JAPANESE TRAINS SUCK BIG SWEATY MAN BALLS. Any, ANY, Japanese who tries to tell you that Japanese trains are great, has never been on one in Tokyo, full stop.
• If you kill yourself using trains in Japan, your family ha to pay compensation to the train companies!
• None of this compensation, however, goes back to the customers…
• The Japanese also lose their fabled “manners” on trains.
• The Japanese are also not have as polite in general as those abroad might have you believe anyway. You figure this out within about 2-3 hours of getting away from the airport, when everyone starts staring at you. I actually eyeballed a guy who was staring at me this morning, in the train station. Point of note? He was standing 2 metres away from me. Daft tit.
• The amount of paperwork involved in simply being a foreigner in Japan would probably be the equivalent to the merger of two large banks.
• There are also many stupid foreigners in Japan, and quite a few decent stand up ones too. I only know a few of the first kind.
• My barber turned out not to be gay after all
• Despite having a hugely receding hairline and a generally thinning head of hair on top anyway, I still insist on paying to have my hair cut once a month. I am stupid. But I enjoy chatting with the barber, he has opinions on everything, just like any decent barber should do!

Hardly an indepth introspective of my past year, but I hardly give a fuck about that. It’s not like you read this blog for it’s insightful and stirring comments on the human condition, is it now, you prick.