UCL Lost Boys

But not by that much. Yesterday was the Nakano Ward Spring(?!?) Kendo Taikai, and I was entering from the mighty Koubukan, my first time for the dojo I’ve been registred at for nearly a year now, and I was quite looking forward to it. A nice local competition, get my feet under the table and all that. Heh, yeah right.

Genaerlly, I’m pretty pleased with how it all went. My wife took a video of all of my matches, and when I got home after it was all done I watched what I think is a definate improvement over the past year. So in that sense I are one happy camper.

1st Round

Easy enough says one of my team mates, he didn’t think that we’d have many problems until we got to the quarter finals. Obviously, our opponents hadn’t heard this, and gave us a gut load of trouble. Senpo drew, jiho last 2-0, chuken lost 1-2, great. So that left us up against it. All credit here goes to the mighty “3 Holes”, our fukusho, who gave a good 2-0 and left it all in my lap. There was only one thing for it. Bear-Gibbo, possessed of the strength of 10 men and the kendo of a 1st round Lidstone casualty. The tactic was simple. Just maul the guy. Everytime he looks like going, whack him. I don’t remember a great deal, but I remember enough to know that I got the job done, and I was heartily pleased. 2-0 thank you very much.

But shit, if that was the first round what the hell was going to happen from here on in.

2nd round and quarter finals

These 2 actually went by without too much incident. 4-1 in both. Only point of note really was taking it a little too easy in the 2nd round and risking loosing a silly point, so I thought “fuck this” (I do actually remember thinking “Fuck this” to myself in shiai) and opened up one of these:

He got the lot. Two extremely close morote-zuki (maybe I over stretched myself) and a swish hiki gyaku dou, but in the end 2 nice solid men.

The quarter final also saw me score a 1 second men. Get in there! Hajim-er, oh. Men-ari. Nihonme. Yeah.

Semi-Final

This is where the wheels fell off slightly. Having watched the video of myself it’s better than I was expecting it to be, but I still lost, and that essentially cost us a place in the final. The senpo and jiho were awesome in this match, but then the chuken and fukusho spooned royally, leaving me needing a simple draw. Later on, someone told me that the guy I was fighting is a regular on one of the strongest company teams in Japan. Great. That’s no consolation to me. I lost kaeshi dou with about 30 seconds left (which makes it hard indeed) and I knew that I could beat the guy too, and was doing a decent job of holding him up to boot. The pointer for me really was that, in comparison to the first round, when it was make or break and I just stepped in and got the hell straight down to busines, I thought about this one. I wasn’t even thinking about the medal. I just remember thinking “I musn’t lose” and that sealed it, I believe. In the other rounds I had used a decent enough bunch of varied waza, but because I had that thought at the back of my mind I didn’t have that little extra. Against high opposition before, I’ve just leapt at it. I’ve really gone for it, without too much care for the result, and I’ve always come through well. This, I think, is my lesson learned for the day.

So I lost 1-0. Not totally poo, but not ultimately my best, because of that 1 thought before the match had even started. Next time I need to make sure my mind is 100% in the shiaijo and not even 1% on the scoreboard. And I know I could have taken him too.

But, it was still my first medal in Japan. I console myself with that, if barely. And it gave me some positiove about my kendo and some good stuff to work out too.

After the fighting was done, we set about the other serious pointer for the day, which was getting skulled. A couple of beers and some marine beasts back at the ‘kan, and then on to the Izakaya to get mashed on cheap sake. All good. Getting called a stupid bastard many times (especially after I thanked the guy who lost or drew every match on the other team for showing me his “true shiai strength”) and listening to Hatapu Hanshi talk some true unadulterated bullshit after a skinful, all reminded me my I enjoy kendo and like Koubukan so much too.

And next time, I’m not going to fucking lose.

Got this amusing little aside from a friend:

“You always see funny names of cars and bikes here…. do you look?

en route to the eki this morning I saw this jet black bike parked against a wall. its name was simply “carrot” …. fkn genius!“

It’s been ages since I’ve written anything truly angry about trains, so it’s time for another helping.

This morning there was a signal problem earlier down the line that lead to all trains being “all stops”. This effect clearly triggered something in the psyche of commuters which induced 2 types of behaviour :

1) Herding. There was bloody thousands of them! Where did they all come from?! Unless the trains were stuck not moving for 30 minutes or more, where the hell did all these people come from?! It’s like they found out that the trains were late, and on purpose went to line up (the Japanese love a good queue) for a train they couldn’t get on.

b) Stampede. Blooooooooody heeeeeeeeeell. It’s like a food riot. I even had one wanker pushing and jostling me on the platform when there was no train.

And then it came.

I swore I wouldn’t. I promised myself that I could never do it. But I failed. Today, I used that heinous unholy power that all foreigners in Japan possess……….the Gaijin Smash (cue dark forboding music)[

SMASH 1: I turned around and just stared at the guy pushing me until he stopped. Then I carried on staring at him, facing the wrong direction while I was doing this. He took a step back. I turned around. I did not, at any point, feel ashamed for using my foreign-ness.

Trying to get on the train before the one that I got on was a guy who, for the purposes of this rant, will be called Shit Head.

Shit Head was obviously more desperate to get on the train than other people. So he tried to push his way backwards on to the previous train. At one point he was literally diagonal and still failing miserably. His feet were still on the platform! Inevtiably he got spooned back on the platform, and decided to wait.

Next train arrives, and as he get’s on, Shit Head pushes some small woman so that he can get the sweet spot on the train (just inside the door, it’s a push free space!) I see this and thing he’s being a cunt. Other people push me and the only thing I can literally do is slot myself behind Shit Head, into the sweet spot, as other people continue to push me on to the train. Now get this. Shit Head actually tries to push me out of the sweet spot so that he can slot his fat arse in to a place he was already well past…..

SMASH 2:?Oh, this fucker got it. The fact he was trying to push me back (into the people still trying to get on the train) set me off. This dick got Gaijin Smash +. He was trying to slide sideways into the sweet spot, so using the momentum of 10 salary men all pushing at once, I pushed forward (forceably) with them, and crushed his shoulder as hard as I could between my own shoulder and the metal bar of the seat. And. Just. Kept. On. Pushing. Even when the guys behind had stopped, and Shit Head craned his neck around to look at my Adam’s apple (he was a wee little twat) I kept pushing to make sure he knew I meant business. This apparently finally got the message across (as did me baring my teeth to him like an angry dog…..oops!) and he stopped pushing.

SMASH 3: I’ve figured out that my Gaijin Perimiter has been upgraded to the Gaijin Aura of Pain and Fear. I had 25cm of space around me after this! Not proud of this moment, but I was angry, and it didn’t stop there.

Two stations later, Shit Head actually pushed against people next to the door so that people trying to get on couldn’t put a foot on the train. There actually was a little space for people to get on too. At this point I could actually feel the anger inside me rising slowly and even needed to tell myself to calm down. I have honestly never come so close to violently flipping out as I did this morning with Shit Head. Thankfully, I enhanced my calm and stayed happy. Ish.

Shit Head got off a couple of stops later, and law and order were restored. In other words, I was crushed into the corner. By a milf. It was ok for the first 5 seconds, but she had drenched herself in a perfume that smelled very strongly like Toilet Bleach. Au d’toilet indeed. It was strong enough to make my eyes hurt. I thought I was going to start crying blood!

Whilst I was getting crushed by Mrs Milf, I saw another dude with a look of sublime happiness on his face. The fine young lady totally oblivous and squashed right up against him was blatantly why. Dirty old fucker!

The train finally pulled in to Shibuya a grand total of 45 minutes later than it should. I got off to be confronted by the image a massive sweaty fat man excavating his nose with a finger the size of a banana. Have you ever seen Total Recall? Yes? You know the bit where Arnie uses that claw device to pull the big red tracer chip out of his nose? It was just like that. Fatty had discovered a vain of (snotty) gold and was doing his best to make himself rich!

And to top it all off? It was raining for my 20 minute walk to the station and I’ve been busy as fucking hell at work today too. The payoff? All expenses paid booze up and dinner on the CEO tonight. Silver linings and all that!

……heh:

“Spare any change?”

And if I write it like that do you know what the fuck I’m even talking about?!

Here is a picture of 2 guys playing them big hollow Australian logs (I’m not going to try and type that bloody word twice) outside Nakano station on Friday night:

Look at the funnel on the end of that thing! I reckon he use it to do bongs in his bath.

As the title suggest, went out for a bite to eat last night, at a random Izakaya a few stops from home, with Bastin, the Mrs and one of her friends.

Izakaya are a srtange thing. I would recommend them for good food, but not if you are hungry. We ordered all sorts last night, and on the way home I had to stop off at KFC* because I was still massively hungry. I woke up hungry today as well, and am still, as I write this and after a huge tub of yakisoba, still, in fact hungry. I blame the Izakaya.

*KFC in Japan sucks balls**. I remember the joys of a late night zinger tower burger on Tottenham Court Road at midnight. The burgers here are wieny! Like a pale imitation of the real thing. And the chicken tastes boring too! What have they done to my favourite fast food chain! Sacrilege! Along with a dirty kebab (not a euphemism for minge, I hasten to add) a large Zinger Tower Meal with two pieces of leg is going to be on eof my first meals when I finally get back to blighty for a visit.

**McDonalds however is OK. And they have on their menu the rather amusingly named “McPork”, which sounds like what Ronald McDonald would have done if instead of an innate appreciation for patties of beef, he had a cock like a fire hose instead.

To make things go from bad to worse, my wife was in charge of ordering. Not necessarily a bad thing, but being Japanese we inevitably got (mixed in with some admittedly good tasting stuff) seared liver, which was 99% raw liver. It was like eating a big ball of snot. Imagine hawking up a big old dock yard oyster, dabbing it gently in garlic and sesame oil, then eating that little bad boy again. And you would have something that was probably nicer than raw liver. We also had a battered fish. Not “battered fish”, but A battered fish. Which lead to this:

That’s Bastin going down on the battered fish. Hard. He looks like a seasoned pro.

That’s what it ended like. Didn’t anyone ever tell him that teeth are NOT nice?

So, for the last post I had to go through the contents of this machine to find it, and found that I have some wierd fucking junk on this computer, which I will now treat you to before I delete the lot of it:

A bit too much Arnie. He’s the new Hoff.

Who is my face covering? Answers on a post card!

Love a bit of the Hoff

I think I spelt Phallus wrong.

This is a funny pic from Fred* at UCL, of his foot with blisters:

which I thought was funny. Unlike Fred himself, who is about as funny as a dose of Piles.

*Fred is also actually Japanese. He doesn’t answer to his actual name, and normally refuses to speak Japanese too. Given that he chose his new monkier himself, I think he could have done better than Fred. Maybe with a “Right Said” on the front it would have been appropriate. But come on, Fred? You could have called yourself something like Leeroy, or Adolf! Or even Fellipe. But Fred…..?

I got up at 5am on saturday morning to go to Toukai University. That place is half way across Kanagawa prefecture, and bloody miles away, so the 5am wake up was for a keiko that started at 8.30….jesus. Why the hell do I insist on doing things like this to myself.

So I was knackered. But I also failed miserably to get a decent bit of shut eye on the train, so when I got off the thing at Hiratsuka pumped myself full of the black doctor (Coca Cola, for the uneducated…) and downed the coffee that Yoshimura sensei bought for me (which saved my life!) and set to.

This weekend, 36 kids from Keio Uni were visiting, so they did shiai geiko. Normally with things like this I just try and stay out of the way and, as the largest person in the building, try to remain inconspicuous. Try to, anyway.

Hirakawa sensei was also there this morning. He loves me, ever since me and George took him sight seeing round Edinburgh* and he had a great time. Now whenever he sees me he insists on trying to grab my garbage and prouncing “Shinai Check!” as he lunges. I hope to dear god this is a simple sign of friendship…Anyhow, he saw me sitting down out of the way near the door, and told me to come over and sit myself on the other side, for a better view. Then, he turns around to a student and says “get him a chair”. Fair enough, I think. Until he says “Not there, in front” and parks me at the end of the line of teachers. Oops!

*(This day involved some fairly standard “George”. It was the day after the Monday after the Glasgow World Championships. On the Monday, Edinburgh kendo club had held this huge keiko-kai and invited Hirakawa sensei to teach for an hour before having a huge bash up. All good. Then we started drinking…..events included deep fried confectionary, Finnish drinking games, and George being stripped bollock naked at 4am outside an all night italian restaurant. I went back to my hotel at about 6am. George got home about 40 minutes before he was due to meet Hirakawa sensei in the centre of Edinburgh to take him sightseeing. Still shit faced drunk, already hung over, and totally devoid of anything resembling sleep. So he called me and asked for a hand which I duly gave, myself also in desperate need of something vaguely resembling sleep and having a glorious hangover. I got George to the hotel in town and we found Hirakawa sensei asleep inan armchair in the lobby. We took a double decker bus around for a couple of hours. Within 5 minutes of stepping on the bus George was asleep. Nice. Seeing this, Hirakawa sensei pronounces “Awwww, poor Georgie!”, giggles too himself, pats George on the head and then says “Let’s go upstairs!” So up we went, and sat there and chatted and watched Edinburgh go by and generally saw some sights, while George got 70 winks. When got back downstairs at the end of the trip, George was still fast asleep with his face against the window, surrounded by a small indian family that took the seats around him. Hirakawa sensei thought this was most amusing, and to say so took us for a huge chinese meal that neither of us could manage. This whole episode also made me 35 minutes late for my train and cost me 50 quid in re-booking fees! Cheers Georeg….)

After the shiai between the two unis was done, it was the customary big ol’ set to, which saw upwards of 100 people doing jigeiko in the Toukai Uni kendo hall. It was like being in a battle. I should have polished my battle hassou (hello Titboy!) but I didn’t have the balls….

This left me totally washed out and done. I slept on the bus back to the station and then slept all the way back to Kawasaki too, a grand total of an hour and a half extra sleep! On the train, I fell asleep in a priority seat (which is supposed to be for pregnant ladies, injured people and old duffers) and woke up slouched forward, with my mouth agape, covered in a generous coating of my own drool and with a venomous old lady scowling at me. I made the situation better by noisily sucking the contents of my mouth back in before getting the hell out of medusa’s way.

Good day!

I’m sure I forget that this is supposed to be a kendo blog sometimes. Is it? I’m not even sure of that anymore!

Anyway, kendo for me recently has been fairly quiet. Not in the amount, that’s still maintaining a fairly healthy 5 times a week, it’s just that nothing really special or spectacular to write about has happened recently!

I guess the only real change to my actual practise is generally doing a better and more dynamic kakarigeiko than I feel I did before, which doesn’t quite leave me (for some bizarre reason) as shit out of breath as it used to.

The Big O has me working on a slightly more spontaneous feeling debana men as well, which is proving fairly useful, with his pioint being that although a good seme-men looks great and is the king of ippon (I prefer a windpipe-crushing morote-zuki myself) it’s also very rare. This kind of feeds in a little more in to the “theme” that my own keiko and it’s focus is taking these days, which is observing my opponent more, and using my seme in more economical and effective ways, with the overall goal being better opportunities for ippon. By better I mean something that is decisive, and doesn’t need to be greased in by my speed and reach where without those two it wouldn’t result in yukoudatotsu. Do you get me? Anyway, the aim here is to make my opponents do something, and then at the moment they finish doing what they are doing and choose to settle, exploit the “settling” or “revert to kamae” thought that they momentarily have to bash them. It’s coming along for now but it’s definately one of those things that needs work. I’ve had differing experiences with it recently, I bashed the hell out of a dude doing jodan on monday night, but the Big O is all but impervious to this kind of tactic, which kind of makes me want to use it more. Sometimes it works sometimes not but I’m not quite sure why, so the next big thing is figuring out what works and why.

On the 29th got a taikai too, so gearing my head up for this. It’s my first shiai since my meadiocre performance in the Europeans, so if nothing else I’ve got a point to prove to myself. That having been said……I’ve been put in as taisho. Bugger. Sink or swim!

So, generally it’s all fairly quiet, like the calm AFTER the storm. It’s apparently coming up to shiai season here again, so I’m hoping that I might have stuff to write about that isn’t related to heat, trains, poo, or Bastin’s failure to score some poontang.